My Brokenness, His Plan

I share this story because I know others right now or recently that have felt the way I did then.  You feel lonely, broken, and sometimes just plain MAD!  If relating to others encourages someone else to get through their dark moments and see the beautiful light that has been lit for all of us... then we should all share a piece of ourselves to build someone else up! -EB

After the initial loss of our first miscarriage began to set in, we started to try again. Our age stopped mattering so much as some of the carefree youth had worn off due to the significance of the loss at 3 months along.   Part of who I am (who Jon is too) is that I lean heavily on my faith when things get hard…so we did.  I was still my smiling and happy self even though that scar would always be there. We were being encouraged by our loved ones that 'it would happen."

We started trying again.  Around March we were elated to find out that we were pregnant.  You don’t ever really get used to that joy.  (Side note: I should have bought stock or purchased a pregnancy test company because I kept taking them to make sure I was right.  Patience and containment are not my strengths.) BLUE IT WAS… and this time we KNEW that it would work.  We may have been through a bit in our young age- but we were both pretty young (by societal standards), healthy, and eager- so why wouldn’t it work?  It was about that time that that very thought occurred to me …that we lost the second one. 

I experienced what if felt like to feel broken, lonely and scared with our first loss and I wasn't even healed. The floodgates opened again.  It was pretty clear to me that it was me that was broken because getting pregnant wasn’t the issue but holding on to those sweet babies was. I was even questioning why God made me that way.

Even though we had aged (matured, hopefully and kind of sadly) adding another loss was extremely scary and heartbreaking.  Would we ever get pregnant?  Would we ever feel that young, unfiltered happiness that we did when we decided to have a baby or would we be cynical and a bit jaded?  He was clearly dealing with it much better than me… but that wasn’t because he didn’t care. He knew that God was in control, and although I did, I was struggling with trying to control the situation.  I’ve heard so many times before that couples can really struggle with issues like that because they deal with them so differently.  I had experienced the physical changes of my body with the first miscarriage.  With the second one I didn’t but just knowing I was pregnant came with all of the emotions one would expect.  He was just as excited with each, but men can’t feel the physical changes or don’t feel that immense loneliness when you lose it. 

We carried on with life, again a bit older (even though it had only been a few months) but trying to go on.  I, however, was consumed with getting pregnant.  I was supposed to wait a few months to try again and that felt like an eternity. 

Summer came and I was busy helping to plan one of my works biggest events….but I started having physical signs and I WAS PREGNANT AGAIN.   Ok, so even though we may have been a little more cautious- all of that left the window when we found out.  I was over the moon excited, and really felt like God knew that we were ready!  Third times a charm, right? I had to get blood tests every other day to check my HCG levels- but we were heading into a weekend.  It was Saturday morning.  My shoulders started hurting and it hurt when I took a deep breath.  I knew a little too much to be dangerous and I was pretty sure what was happening. It was confirmed that I was having an ectopic pregnancy and I needed emergency surgery.

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The next six weeks were the most painful, trying and also uplifting weeks of my life, up until that point.  I ended up having three emergency surgeries in six week’s time, and spent most of that time in the hospital.  My sweet, young husband slept in a chair, next to a hospital bed, every single night and would wake up at 4AM to go shower and go to work. (Another reason I still to this day thank God for him.) After the last surgery, on a day that I was alone in the hospital room, I was at my lowest. I felt desperate. I remember that day so clearly. I started shaking and crying.  I was 24 and scared.  I called out lout to God, no, I was screaming at him, "I was just trying to have a baby." (Just in case he forgot. The staff probably thought I was insane.) I was praying hard and listening… and all of a sudden I remember calming down and saying “You gave me a wonderful man.  He can’t keep sleeping in this room in a chair.  I am going to be grateful for him, my family, and the amazing friends that have been up here and been more than I deserve.  I am ok with never having a baby. I want your will. I want to go home. Please unfold your path for me.” 

At that moment, on that day, I decided to trust in HIS plan. I relinquished control (you know the control I never had to begin with-but thought that I did).  I wanted to be whole again and not feel so broken.  I wanted to lay my head on my husbands chest without IV's and railings on my bed.  I realized that I wasn't broken.  I was perfectly made, just the way he made me. 

I got out of the hospital, for the last time, in mid-August.  I felt a whole weight had been lifted off of me. I felt restored and renewed. I will never forget those pregnancies, clearly, but I began to have faith and trust in God again.  I was looking for my blessings and not my losses.  I was living.  Weeks later our beautiful daughter arrived.  Gods most amazing gift. One of three of our greatest treasures in our lives. His plan was so much more beautiful than ours ever could be.  His plan was not flawed.  It was perfect all along.  The problem was in me that I could only see my own plan.  HE was always in control.  Always providing.  Always loving us in our losses... always knowing what was yet to come.

Final thought:  This was all written with the blessing of our daughter.  The last piece of this story is hers to tell.  I have been blessed enough to be a part of it but the rest is hers.