His Great Plan

We were young.  By many accounts too young.  We met when I was 18, dated when I was 19, graduated college and got married when I was 21 (he was 23).  We both had jobs but we were pretty much broke.  “Going Out” was getting a pizza, eating turkey for two months (this is no lie), and possibly splitting a 6-pack of Rolling Rock in our backyard.  At the time, we were struggling but we didn’t really care.  Truthfully we didn’t know any better.  Young and dumb.  Those were the days.

…. And then we decided to start a family.  We had a plan. We were still young (and dumb) and probably didn’t consider the possibility that just because you decide to start a family it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.  Life was beautiful. I mean who doesn’t love trying to have a baby? I got pregnant, and we were over the moon, as you would expect.  It was right before Christmas and our families showered us with baby things galore…it was magical. (Think baby crib, sheets, paint on the walls- we had gotten a little ahead of ourselves don't you think?  That's what you do when you're YOUNG AND DUMB.)  Right after the New Year we went in to hear the heart beat…COULD. NOT. WAIT. 

But there wasn’t one.

Truthfully, at the time, words didn’t apply to what we were feeling. There were none, as we were completely taken off guard.  I thought for those weeks that I had this beautiful baby growing inside of me, but I didn’t.  I felt lonely and empty.  I was scared.  To be totally honest I didn’t feel worthy and I was fearful that if I couldn’t give my young, handsome, husband a baby that maybe he would trade me in for a better model. (He NEVER made me feel this way, but these were the honest thoughts going through my mind.)  I felt broken, both physically and emotionally.  I didn’t trust Gods plan, heck I don’t even think I was considering if he had a plan because I was drowning in my own dark waters.

That time from January until our daughter arrived that September (the most beautiful story saved for a different day) I learned the hard way that growth doesn’t come from getting what you want.  Growth is derived from being denied what YOU want, what you think is best, and instead being immersed in God’s plan for you. (Sometimes whether you like it or not.)  HIS plan is always greater and much more beautiful than you could ever plan for, or create, for yourself.  Trust me on this one, even though that may be true…..being in the trenches can feel like your own personal hell.

I wanted to have a baby.  I couldn’t understand how people who didn’t really want babies had them, and yet we so desperately wanted one, but we were being denied.  We loved each other and we had a terrific family that would do anything for our baby.  We weren’t rich but we could provide food and shelter and an abundance of love.  We loved the LORD for goodness sakes. DONE DEAL IN OUR HEADS.  But GOD said ‘NOT SO FAST.’

The truth is that we weren’t ready.  God knew that we needed to look to him FIRST.  He had a plan much greater than our own.  We needed to be reminded that in all ways he is in control.  Our plan was just that: OURS. HE KNEW that we needed to grow in HIM before we could give life to another.  (I praise him, NOW, for this.)  We weren’t denied because we were young and dumb. We were denied because he KNOWS ALL and knew exactly what we needed at that time and always.  He KNEW our hearts so clearly that he was preparing us for another birth… one that we didn’t plan for… didn’t know about… didn’t grow inside of me but in our hearts and out of HIS GREAT LOVE for us and for our daughter. It was HIS GREAT PLAN... the one that was so much better than OURS could ever be.

Change

Change is hard.  We are all creatures of habit and when faced with circumstances that force us to break from that habit it doesn’t feel good.  It can be scary and intimidating.  Downright uncomfortable actually! For some, it can also be exhilarating and exciting.  I like my comfort zone, but I’ve also always appreciated shaking things up a bit.  I love adventure as long as it doesn't have to do with heights.  One year ago tomorrow, my family and I mixed it up.  We took an amazing opportunity and did something that was….well unconventional, really.  This journey changed my whole life; in perspective, and attitude.  We were, in my opinion, given an amazing opportunity to go live in Tuscany for seven weeks.  Each of our lives changed.  My world view was profoundly impacted.

On our way and my first night with our new friends.  Tania felt like I had known her forever.

Our journey imprinted deeply in our hearts.  Not only did we experience the beautiful countryside that only Tuscany provides, but we were blessed with relationships that blossomed and will continue to for the rest of our lives.  We were afforded the opportunity to live in paradise and be accepted there.  Words will never express how it felt to be living in your own fairytale.  Just like all good stories ours had some rough patches. The kids and I had extremely sad moments.  They saw their mom in a heap on the couch (more than once- not proud I promise) crying because she missed their dad.  It took me, in my own self evaluating opinion, a little too long, to grasp the enormity of what we were doing as a family and get over myself.  I, however, pulled myself up by the bootstraps, as my grandpa would say, and immersed myself in a country that was not my own but captured my heart just the same.  We had way more beautiful days than we did sad ones and on the last day alone as four, when our family was arriving, I found myself longing for just a little bit (or a lot) more time with them in this place.  Hindsight right? 

I learned a few things when I was allowing myself to experience this self-pity party, however.  Seriously, I was a bit of a wreck and pretty upset with myself for allowing my kids to see it.  Who does that?  Ashamedly, me.  We were living in freaking Tuscany and I’m boo hooing about missing their dad.   At one really low point one of them asked me if he had died and I wasn’t telling them because they couldn’t understand the hysterics they were seeing.  Parenting fail!!!   It was that day that I realized I alone was setting this dark narrative.  I was creating what their minds would remember about this once in a lifetime opportunity- or they may view it as the lack thereof. No matter what or how I was feeling it was up to me to make the most of this special time.  I was in charge of the changes we were experiencing and I needed to do a better job of giving them my best foot forward so they experienced them through their sweet rose colored glasses, instead of my tinted ones (which, by the way, shouldn't have been tinted in the first place, he was coming to visit). Why waste another day?  Seize the moment. 

No matter where we find ourselves in our lives, change is usually right around the corner.  Nothing stays the same.  Some people experience change in big ways when they are young and some don’t experience them until they are older.  Even when I’ve experienced the kind of change that has carried with it great pain and diminished my hope, I have learned, grown and gained from it. My faith is definitely my anchor. No matter what none of us are immune to change, but how we deal with it determines our path.  What I realized on our friends couch, in Tuscany, was that not only was I blessed but that these kids were looking to me for hope and happiness.  (On a side note why the heck was I allowing myself to cry on a couch in Tuscany- I should have at least gone outside to be surrounded by the beauty. I digress.)  These three people in my charge were in a foreign country probably not totally sure why we were there if their mother was going to act like this.  I was feeding into a bad narrative.  I needed to change my own behavior.

That sadness wasn’t our story.  Our story was beautiful. Our story was one of deep bonds, abounding beauty, scenery that was divine and gratitude for the entire journey.  It was anchored around communal tables with people from all different backgrounds, countries and beliefs.  We were talking, disagreeing, laughing, sharing and respecting one another.  We had friends and family that visited. The truth is that this is my side of our story.  I long to go back.  My heart aches when I see pictures.  I would jump at any opportunity to be there.  RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE.  My kids don’t feel exactly like that. (Four weeks tops they tell me- HA.)   I tainted their waters.  I ruined a part of their narrative.  I have the ability in my adult brain to separate (or forget because I’m getting old) a few sad days from the absolutely memorable and life changing time we had.  I look back with absolute love and desire.  I crave my friends there.   They don’t.  (They do miss their friends, and talk about them a lot,  but they don’t crave it like I do.  I figure in time they will.)  I set that tone by allowing them to see my sadness and I alone put a road block in our journey.  Thank God this was a familial opportunity and not a life altering attitude or perception that I was helping to create.

 Some of our favorite memories.

How we deal with change starts at home.  As parents, especially, we have an enormous responsibility to teach them love, patience, acceptance, compassion, courage and strength.  Our actions and reactions to all situations are being observed, ingested and repeated.  (That makes me sick to my stomach because I DO NOT want them to repeat so much of what I say and do.)  Let that sink in a minute. If you’re anything like me I WANT A DO OVER!!!  If you breathe, change is going to happen.  It’s a fact.  If you are reading this you may look at my family living in Tuscany for 7 weeks as a good change, right?  Well clearly there were a few days when I first got there that I DID NOT see it that way.  (I DO NOW THOUGH.)  I wasted precious time, and opportunity.  Change is all about perspective.  Most of the time,  hindsight provides us with the perspective we wish we would have had when we were walking through that change.  If I could have gotten out of my own head and exhibited strength, love, and excitement from the beginning,  even if I wasn’t feeling it, they would have most likely looked at their journey differently.  We alone are in charge of how we deal with change and how we present ourselves to the world.  We cannot expect greatness out of others if we are not demonstrating it ourselves.  We may not like every change that happens to us or because of us.  They don’t always feel good. We don’t even always have to want to be in it… but we are. 

We chose, as a family to go to Tuscany.  We chose our change but when Jon left the first time I DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE WITHOUT HIM.  It didn’t feel good.  I was scared to death.  I feared for my children…..being in a foreign country, not speaking the language…oh the details.  Had I not allowed myself to get rid of my own self-pity and start experiencing life in Tuscany I wouldn’t have created those deep bonds or fallen more in love with a place that truly holds part of me.  My kids may not want to go ‘live’ there without their dad again. I do know, however, that once I allowed them to start experiencing the beauty of the people and the place instead of MY sadness, their chains came off and they started to see it for what it was and not what I was showing them that it was in those first dark days. They were able to experience our circumstances for the absolute beauty of the moments and LIVE, instead of being handcuffed by the change that their mother wasn’t sure about.  They made friends and wanted to take adventures.   They knew the towns, restaurants (because thats of the utmost importance), and museums by name and communicated with the beautiful people that they were now familiar with.  They embraced the change.

My passion, your passion, for both good and bad things are viewed by impressionable people in and outside of our homes.  One of the many life lessons that I learned in beautiful Cortona was that my attitude and passion have a direct correlation with how others around me view and react to life.  With every change we must look for the beauty and the relationships that we can develop and strengthen and the example we can be... had I not figured that out when I did, had I wallowed in my fear of change, I would have missed out on the greatest journey of our lives and people that I value more than the change I feared.

“Life’s about changing.  Nothing ever stays the same.”  Patti Loveless

Reasons Why I Shouldn't Home School But I Do Anyway

Every year around this time my heart starts to sink.  I see darling pictures posted of kids in new clothes ready to begin new adventures.  I hear the roaring of the diesel engines barreling down my street.  I watch as young kids carry book bags half of the size of them with all of their fun new supplies coming out of the top. I look out as my kids are throwing a line and jumping in the lake... sigh. I breathe really hard and pray to God almighty we are doing the right thing. 

As a homeschooling parent I get a whole lot of questions about WHY I would choose to keep my kids home. Am I hiding them from something? Am I scared of the world? Am I crazy? (For those that know me DO NOT answer that!) So many people think they wouldn’t be capable of such a decision, which is not true, but it may not be for you and your family.  That is OK!

Here are some of the reasons why I’m sure I shouldn’t homeschool, but I do anyway.

#1. Socialization. THIS IS THE BIG ONE!!! Are you worried your kids are going to be weird? You know people never walk up to someone and tell them that their baby is ugly but they have NO PROBLEM denouncing homeschooling from the get go. They worry that my kids may be weird and different because they don’t ride the bus or attend a school with hundreds of kids their age. They talk too much, like to be home a little too much or they don’t text enough. I get it my kids ARE different… and so are yours….. and so am I… and so are you. Do you think that I haven’t thought of this when you ask me? I promise I see things for what they are and although I appreciate our open conversations, truly I do, I do think of these things.  My children’s personalities started blossoming long before I was even thinking about school. Each one of them is different. One is CRAZY social. One is quite social and the other one is comfortable in smaller groups. School would’t have changed that. Do you think that I want to harm my children in any way shape or form to give you a good conversation piece when you walk away from me? I was probably thinking of your entertainment when I decided to do it! The truth is that our children have different experiences but anyone could argue for or against the way both of us are doing it... and we would probably both be right AND WRONG.

School Day in Florence, Italy.

#2. Opinons about Perfection. Everyone’s got one. Homeschooling your child does not make them perfect children. This is not a litmus test on parenting either. Let’s throw that ill conceived notion out ASAP and get real. They are going to act like kids and do kid things just like kids that attend school. They make mistakes and so do we!!  We are not doing Quantum Physics all day or reciting the Declaration of Independence.  (I mean some homeschool's may be but NOT MINE.)  They may not be stellar workers all the time, they act like…..KIDS!!! HMMMMM I’m not sure that I’ve met too many kids that don’t act like kids, so maybe they’re more normal than I thought.  Its interesting to me that homeschooled children can tend to be under a microscope with people continually looking to see where their flaws lie.  Constant quizzes arise to 'see' what they are learning.  Rest assured, they have flaws and shortcomings, and so do their parents so look no further!

 #3. Always Home. Yep my kids are always home. Every day. All year. Until they aren’t. This has it's disadvantages and advantages. Somedays I’m sure they wish they could run away. Somedays I totally wish I could.  Hopefully sometimes we are all on the same page and glad to be together. Days when we wake up to 2 ft of snow or below freezing temperatures I thank God that I can send them downstairs to get school work done instead brave the elements… I’m selfish like that.  There are beautiful moments in the chaos of always being home, like doing Literature with a quick hug from mom on her way by.  There are also tough times that we all need to figure out how to work through.  We are doing life a little differently than the mass population but we are still doing life.

#4. Curriculum. I should be worried that they aren’t learning the same exact things that kids in school are learning. Should I be? You are probably right. They may not be learning the exact same things as school kids are learning. I am so impressed with my friends kids!! So impressed. I also know, however, that my kids are learning and experiencing seriously cool things that they couldn’t otherwise. I’d say win/ win on both fronts.  We may not follow the Common Core, but the core of our curriculum is faith, values and common sense.  

#5. We wear long skirts. I do wear long skirts, and wayyyyy to short of skirts. I wear high heels, make-up and ohhhhh I also have a nose ring. My hair isn’t in a bun, in fact it’s a pixie cut. You know what though. I know some people, who because of their beliefs, they do wear long skirts and buns all the time. They are some of the most lovely people I know. We may believe different things AND we are both homeschooling. I hate to say this but it needs to be said; if sending your kids to school is to expose them to everything, then how can we judge with any amount of integrity the stereotypical homeschooler?  Just saying. 

#6. Close Minded. They may turn out judgmental because they haven’t been exposed to you know… the world. Refer to number 5. Not all homeschoolers are alike. SHOCKER… I know this comes as shocking news but just like not all of your child’s classmates are alike, yeah neither are all of us homeschoolers. I do love Jesus… so there’s that. I also like me some wine, cuss a little and really use poor judgment (like writing this blog) a lot. My kids have been around the world and exposed to cultures that I have only experienced with them for the first time, and I was a public school girl. So I guess there’s that too.

In life we are all doing the best we can, most of the time.  Don't think for 1 iota that my husband and I don't consider all of the things that people think in their heads about homeschooling.  We have chosen this path for our children and our family.  I welcome the honest conversations and curiosity with an open heart and definite humor.  I also appreciate the same respect and consideration that I try to extend to your family.

At the end of the day we all love our children.  We may be doing it differently and that is beautiful.  Like I said before, that roar of the bus gets me at this time of year... sometimes I think I should jump on it myself!  I compose myself, however, look back at my kids and am grateful for the choice we've made. I believe that one of the best lessons in education that we can instill in them is to love everyone:  race, religion, schooling, ability, disability and socio-economic status.  It doesn't matter where our children go to school, or how good they are at anything, if we all focus on the goodness in humanity and the respect of each other our children will all succeed in this life.

From my family to yours- may God bless all of your children this school year!

The Value of Time

The older I get (seriously it’s happening at warp speed) the more I think about value in all things and all ways.  What do I value?  Who am I?  Do my actions and my time align with who I say I am and who I really am?  A long time ago a wise person, or so she thinks she is, I kid, (sorry mom) told me that, “words are cheap.”  I probably disregarded her profound wisdom at the time (shocker) but life has come full circle, I too am now raising teenagers, and I grasp the weight of what she was saying:  Actions speak louder than words.

For me, evaluating this is both a call to action and a mwah mwah mwah moment… you are flubbing this one up lady.  In my core, way down deep, I know me.  I am not always spot on with how I communicate who I am, and I’m 100% certain that I don’t act accordingly all the time…  I also know that who I am is not who ANYONE else on the whole earth is (that probably is good news for some), therefore what I value is about me, and not my expectations on those around me. 

Where am I going with this?  This year, in our family (which includes our close friends), just like most families, a lot of things have changed.  We have had marriages, deaths, births, illness, divorce, graduations, oh and then there was that raising growing humans that are ever changing, to name a few.  Some of these life events have been obvious causes for mass celebration, while others have been life-changing wounds that can only be bandaged by the grace of our creator.  What I’ve learned from each of these altering times is that the things that I spend frequent time on have NOTHING to do with these concrete events that will forever be imprinted in my heart. 

If someone were to have a camera rolling in my house every moment of every day they may find me surfing Anthropologies sales (of which I fill my cart frequently, then close it down without purchasing- but man those 3 hours were so worth it- yeah right) Nordstrom’s shoes (because those Valentino’s with someone else’s credit card would be awesome on these feet) reading the news etc…. Although I’m throwing myself under the bus a bit, it’s the truth, and the real truth is that I make excuses about not having time for things that I say truly do mean the world to me. Let’s take my grandma’s, for instance. They are both alive.  How cool is that right?  Do you think I call them regularly?  NO!!!  I sure can find time to learn about the most romantic destination in the world- I could give you details about the dinners they serve there.   I can’t, however, tell you what my grandma had for dinner last night, because I ‘didn’t have time’ to call her/them.  That pains me deeply because it’s just an excuse- and a sad one at that.  The truth of the matter is that if something matters to you YOU MAKE THE TIME.   The problem is:  THEY DO MATTER TO ME, but I don’t make the time nearly enough.  At the end of the day all we have is time.  We can buy new clothes, shoes, faces etc… but you can’t buy time.   

 The cool thing about time is that we all have the same amount in a day.  Time knows no demographic boundary, or socio-economic status.  No matter who you are, or where you are, we all have 24 hours in a day.  How we each use our time is up to us. So that brings me back to the beginning: Is what I value and who I value, reflected in where my time is allotted?  Do I give people lip service or do I give them me?  I try really hard to honestly evaluate this regularly.  I find a lot of times I could be doing a much better job.

My family (close friends included) is everything to me.  Recently, an extremely important person in our life passed away.  During that tragedy we ‘found the time’ (it’s ridiculous to even articulate it that way) to make it up there quite a few times to be with them.  So I need to ask the question of myself… Why did it take an absolutely tragic situation for us to make the time to go be with some of our favorite people on earth?  We would give anything to get back the opportunity to be sitting around a table telling jokes or solving the worlds problems… like how the Packers are going to win the Super Bowl.  That’s big stuff right there.  All kidding aside,  when I reflect on these things, it pains me to know that what I value, who I am, doesn’t always align with where I give of myself on a daily basis.

Last year we took an amazing opportunity for our family.  We spent 7 weeks in Tuscany (which upon my return it kept my heart…. so that’s good… or not).  Anyway I digress, must be my age.  Those weeks were filled with joy, excitement, blossoming friendships, deep love, and truthfully some loneliness.  I missed my people.  Some close to me were really aware of it.  My friend Anndrea gets me.  She knew that although my gypsy soul loves adventure I’m still a homebody introvert that needs her own safety: her people.  Sooooo, she got on a plane and travelled across the ocean, ALONE, to be with my kids and I.  She took time from her family (who I thank profusely) and time off of work to come and wrap my security blanket (her) around me so that I felt valued and loved.  Yes, it was a cool way to see Europe for the first time, but it was also a gesture of selflessness that imprinted deeply on me.  She was present.   I remind myself, frequently, of this gesture because it wasn’t full of meaningless words that never came to fruition….she took action.  Her “I miss you,” translated into “I’m coming to see you.”

So many actions that I frequently observe have made me obsess about making sure I raise kids that add value to this world instead of sucking it out for their own good.  There are such great people out there that give of themselves to so many.  To the dismay of some, I don’t put emphasis on what my kids look like or how well they are at a particular thing (unless they care about it).  I, instead, want them to open doors, smile at strangers, care about how others are feeling and to be honest representations of themselves.  I want them to talk with their walk instead of their mouths.  I pray that they will invest in people and the betterment thereof instead of their next shoe purchase or the car they drive.  (Yeah so kids...DON’T DO WHAT YOUR MOTHER DOES, sorry but the shoe thing....)

If everyone, BEGINNING WITH ME, could allow their time to be a reflection of their values then we would be talking less about all of this anarchy we see in the world and more about the goodness.  Somewhere along the way we, collectively, have lost track by believing that this world is all about us.  We think that shopping for sale clothes is more important than calling our 92 year old grandma.  We believe that what we look like is more important than who we are.  We buy into the fact that our own needs are more important than someone else’s needs.  Truthfully, we can’t get time back.  It doesn’t matter what we look like when we aren’t here any more.  No body is going to care about my new shoes in heaven… but my grandma's and I would have always had those conversations that I was just too busy to make.  I think I better call them both today!

Seasons of Life

As a young mom of kids that were JUST over a year apart and then another one a few years later I used to dream about getting through a day without any crying meltdowns.  I literally would count hours in between tears and wonder what it could possibly feel like to be without hysterics for one single day.

Going to the bathroom alone, showering sans numerous eyes peeking in on me, sitting down…. I WANTED A CLEAN HOUSE- like baseboards that sparkled clean.  They all felt like the most unattainable presents- if only I could do them alone!!  I wanted not to be trapped in my house watching the trees turn from green to gold to red, while still sitting there when the first flakes began to fall.

I say all of these things because at the time I was overwhelmed and exhausted (I thought).  I couldn’t wait for my kids to get ‘a little bit older’ so we could….. you can fill in the blank- we all have them.  I was wishing my season away because I thought the next would be the pinnacle.

I thought when they could dress themselves, feed themselves and God forbid wipe themselves I would have arrived.  (I don't know where I thought I was going but I would KNOW it when I got there.)

One of the best days of our life. 8/7/2008

Although no one would have been able to tell the younger me- and people tried- it's hard to hear when you're in the trenches…..those years were the most messily precious years of my life.  I would give anything to go back and do it again.   I wouldn’t have wished a single moment away- because it truly does go by SOOOO quickly.  Sure it was loud and chaotic, but it was also sweet and innocent.  We were surviving, in many instances, rather than living, but we were also all together. 

Today those little feet are bigger than mine (for the most part).  Their squeaky voices are deep.  They don’t have tantrums every day (well when they do they sound a heck of a lot different- and certainly not as cute).  They let me use the bathroom and shower alone (thank heavens for all of us) and I can sit down whenever I so choose-slight exaggeration.  My house- when I put the effort in- can get really clean.  Guess what?   I dream now about the crying meltdowns, the lack of privacy, and not having any time to sit alone because I had one (or three) of them on my lap.   I long for stepping on Legos in the middle of the night and nearly breaking my leg.  I want nothing more than to be up in the wee hours with my sweet baby that just wants to hold my hand or rub my face while they eat……That was the fruit of life and I didn’t quite realize it in that season.  In some ways I allowed it to pass me by instead of inhaling every part of it.  I crave those moments. 

I’m trying to learn a lesson, now, that the younger me didn’t, and appreciate this season of life too.  They are bigger but they are vibrant.  They are full of knowledge (and apparently, according to them, I lack it these days). Their life is ahead of them.  Their wings are starting to spread (so much of me would like to clip them).  They have views on the world and life that are their own and it’s beautiful and terrifying!  I recognize now that I only get them for a season of their life, to me it's been everything, to them it will be but a stroke on their huge canvas.

I truthfully don’t want to always appreciate this season.  I love Little House on the Prairie and the simplicity it represents.  The problem is that even when I had it I didn’t recognize it as such.  I feel like that can be true for a lot of us.  We may be in a season but we don’t really see it- we can’t wait to get out of it instead of embracing it for what it is- LIFE. 

I’m learning that no matter what season I’m in, I want to be IN it!!   I don’t want to miss a single moment because I'm waiting for the next season to get here.  I want to be present, bathe in it and immerse myself so that when I leave that season for the next, I look back and remember the flowers, the sun, the leaves and the snow for what it was- a precious season of life.

Essentially Tuscan- A journey home

It took awhile for me to process our Tuscan journey.  I’ve hesitated to write because I was filled with emotions and felt as though I needed to sort through some things.  I’m certain my words will fall short but my heart is still an array of emotions that bubble over.  On my birthday, before my family arrived, I snapped a picture of my boots, walking to the car for one last journey up the hill with my kids, by myself.  I realized that it would probably be the last time on this trip that the four of us would be alone and I wanted to soak it all in.  We experienced things together that will forever be a part of us and I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to aknowlege this to them.  I was beyond excited for Jon and my family to come yet I was fully aware that our time there was nearing its end.  It was both bitter and sweet.  This picture and the image in my head that it creates is significant for so many reasons. 

The obvious ones to me were that that hill that caused me so much trepidation weeks earlier called me to it one last time on my own.   I had no fear this time- almost a sadness that this was it.  Simply, I had done it.  I had conquered my fears and I had made it to the home stretch.  I was, once again, so grateful for the opportunity, for the adventure, and for the beautiful souls that touched our lives deeply.  It was also incredibly hard and in that moment when I snapped the picture I was beaming because I had done something that at one point I really wanted to give up on.  It can be hard to state aloud that you are proud of yourself but standing on that stoop I was proud.  Not only that I did it, but that the three kids standing before me adapted to a life that was significantly different than their own (being taken away from their church, activities and friends) for 7 weeks and they did it with grace and enthusiasm (for the most part- ha).  We could all learn from the resilience children display and the open hearts that they possess to new people and different surroundings. Our kids met friends that they adored and they adapted to life quite beautifully.

I thought about how in this life we need to take opportunities because each YES adds another beautiful brush stroke to our lives.  We met people that will forever be a part of our story.  These people taught me so much about myself, and who I wanted to be, without even knowing they were doing it.  I also instantaneously thought that sometimes the bravest thing you can do is say NO to an opportunity.

I felt full of love for the beautiful city of Cortona.  The place is overflowing with magic and abundant peace.  I watched the walled city on the hill nearly the entire drive up there and I felt in awe that we had had the opportunity to immerse ourselves in this fairy tale.  There is no place on earth, that I’ve found, quite like Cortona, Italy.  I crave it like I crave the wine that the area produces- and that’s saying something.  Even as I sit here today I feel a certain longing. I was even more grateful that because of the generosity and kindness of our friend Pamela we were introduced to Tania and Keith, their amazing olive oil and their loving community.  They took the time and care, before they left, to introduce us to some of the most beautiful, gentle and giving people that allowed us to feel like Cortona was home and that we were one of theirs for a bit.  They, and their people, exude beauty.  WHO these people plainly are made me realize who I need to be better at being.  Whether they know it or not they radiate Gods love in their actions and their deeds.

When we got up to the city that day, knowing that our family would be there in a few short hours, I started to shake on the inside.  In fact typing this, is bringing back similar emotions and my hands are starting to perspire.  I was full of gratitude and love for sure…. I was also filled with guilt and longing.  Although the decision for our family to take this opportunity was made by Jon and I, together, being a world away took its toll.  He was exhausted from trying to stay up late enough to talk to us in the morning and traveling to see us. I knew it and I felt responsible for it.  I was tired because I was trying to keep it all together and not waste what we had been given.  I was bursting with guilt that although we were able to give our children this amazing experience all any of us really wanted was to be home and to be together as a family of five.  I needed my partner in life, and they needed their dad, and even if we were in this beautiful fairy tale land-when he wasn’t there a HUGE part of all of us was missing and totally incomplete.  

When we were coming out of the city, heading down that not so scary hill, to meet Jon and the gang, I looked at my boots one last time.  Our journey led us a world away and afforded us the opportunity to meet people that we otherwise wouldn’t have met, most likely, but it was time for these boots to go home.  My greatest journey is the one I'm on every day with our family of five, and as the wife of my partner.  I will never stop taking opportunities, my gypsy soul requires them, but God willing, my hand will be interlaced with his and for the time being 6 other feet will be with ours in this journey of life.   Tuscany, Cortona specifically, will continue to draw us back… our people are there, but the boots that I wear, even today as I type, are grateful to be home.  Home is not only where my heart is (some of it remains in Cortona), it’s where all my people lay their heads each night- it’s the opportunity that I said yes to 19 years ago- and the greatest journey of my life.

Essentially Tuscan-Otto

As I get closer and closer to the end of this amazing journey I am truthfully both excited to go see my people (and fury creatures) at home and sad for the 'home' that I'm leaving behind.  There is something about this magical place that imprints on your heart so deeply that even a fleeting thought of leaving stirs up a sense of longing.  There are things that I've learned and witnessed that I need to make my own at home, and I fear that I won't.  

How do we slow down?  How do we appreciate each other?  How do we have family meals every day?  How do we hold on to everything that is soooo good about the country we live in while learning from cultures that out date us and know a thing or two about survival and the good things in life.  

I find myself hoping that when I'm a bit older, and my kids have left the nest, my friends and I will meet and share life just like this.  On any given night, while I sit, taking it all in, on the steps in Piazza Repubblica, they come.  They come from different directions and meet in this middle sanctuary.  I can't understand what they are saying and maybe my romantically formed notions have missed their mark- but I don't think so.  I bet they are talking about the weather, their families (who are probably steps away), the world and I KNOW THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT FOOD!  It's simple and it's real!  I'm enthralled with the idea that they aren't calling each other to schedule a time to meet.  They are doing life together and meeting daily in this special place because no matter how hard they work they take time to value each other.

If you sit in a café, sipping on your ‘TO DIE FOR’ Café Espresso, out of your real piece of china (slight exaggeration) you witness families meeting, talking and oh my goodness eating together. (Craziest thing- it’s ok to consume calories here.)  I digress.  One thing you don’t often see is people checking their cell phones.  They aren’t distracted by the world. They are content with where they are and who they are with.  You don’t see people walking with their head down because heaven for bid they run into someone they have to talk to.  They stop and chat.  They smile, they speak loudly and there are a lot of happy hand gestures flailing about.  IT’S BEAUTIFUL!!! 

There is an entirely unique quality about it that I’ve never found anywhere else.  If it were a musical composition the harmony would be perfect.  There is a sense of familiarity and reliability that is hard to find in most places on earth.   For the kids and I, we have found a sense of peace in the fact that we can walk up Via Guelfa and people that we recognize or have personally met are saying “Ciao” (which is reserved for someone you are familiar with) to us.  It feels like you belong.   (FACT:  Via Guelfa will literally kill you and I’ve found it to be awesome, silent punishment for sassiness- it is so steep!) 

The familial way of doing things around here is on display for the world, literally, to see.  There have been a few times, while quietly witnessing (i.e. people watching) the world around me, I have felt this deep sense that they are trying to teach us all something about how the world could look if we all got back to our roots.  

In my appreciation for all that is right with Tuscany, and more specifically Cortona, I have not lost my love and pride for all that is right in my own country and my home town as well.  I admit, I'm in love with this place, but I love my home.  I pray that I hold on to the values I've witnessed being lived out here!!  When I walk back down Via Guelfa for the last time on this particular journey I will forever be grateful that we were afforded the opportunity to learn and grow from the magical presence of this place.  It's part of each of us!  I will deeply miss my new friends and we will long to come back, but we will certainly take with us something that this place helped us focus on and strengthen just by being here:  EACH OTHER.

Essentially Tuscan Sette

Most people come to Tuscany to capture that romantic fire that they dream about.  Stepping backing in time and reliving history is right up there too.  They, most likely, also come to eat the delicious cuisine and drink fine wine.  CHECK.  CHECK. CHECK. AND CHECK.  All of these things churned in my soul and encouraged our journey here.

In coming here on holiday or a romantic vacation, however, you would most likely stay in a cute B&B (I have suggestions if you need some) or a charming hotel.  The challenge of the size of the bathroom and the lack of warmth in the room would most definitely be viewed as a sweet inconvenience because well- you’re in Tuscany- and that amazing breakfast that you’re going to have prepared for you tomorrow morning will be fabulous.   The walled cities and Etruscan tombs are literally surrounding you.  Your eyes take in splendor with every turn of your head….. This truly is paradise. 

What you don’t see when you come here on holiday or a romantic vacation is the reality of life.  The simplicity that still exists is beyond what I, as an American, could really comprehend at first.  (Like- I get my gas pumped-how cool is that?) Things that are after thoughts for me, take time and energy out of the day for the people that live here.  The modern conveniences that we are afforded in the States and that are abundantly commonplace for us are just not part of their lives.  (I’m not complaining!!!)  At home, when the outside temperature dips below that dreaded level that is a tad bit uncomfortable- we complain to anyone who will listen that we “CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S COLD” (even though we live in the Midwest) and begrudgingly go turn that little dial or Lord Help Us have to lift our arm to touch the pad and SILENCE….. our heat turns on.  It may smell ‘hot’ for 10 minutes or so, having been dormant for 6 months, and then just like that there is warm, even air penetrating our whole homes.  Yeah, so that’s not the case here.  The air, in the wintertime, is relatively, cool and damp (and this has been a beautiful year).  In our home, here, we heat the house with a good old fashioned fire place – oh the horror- and a Stofa.  (I think it’s pronounced STOOFA- but for the first few weeks we called it the Stoofala- we had warm feelings that is would be like a cozy couch-HA)  It’s actually a beautiful red stove looking contraption that requires me to clean it every day- sometimes twice a day.  I look like the craziest chimney sweep when it’s all over.  We then fill the back of the stove with pellets and turn it on.  For the first few nights alone here, I didn’t sleep.  Being that I don’t even turn my own heat on- you know by pressing a button- I was a tad bit uncomfortable hearing and seeing what felt like a raging fire burning brightly in a stove in between the beds where my children laid their heads.  I envisioned the conversations that would erupt, from some, that my crazy whim to show the kids the world ended with me burning us all and this few hundred year old house down.  Stable, I know!  For the most part, the Stofa does a great job heating the bedrooms but there have been a few days here where coats and blankets, lots of socks and possibly gloves have been required to read a book on the couch.  This is true in any of these homes here.  They are old (which we love) and this is their reality.  The things that we don’t even think about- they work really hard for!!!

Speaking of reality…. CLOTHES!!!  At home, I have no problem doing laundry.  I throw the clothes in the wash.  Take them out, put them in the dryer.  When the dryer is done I place them on the counter and pray my Folding Fairy will wiggle her nose.  I HATE FOLDING LAUNDRY.  People around here, if they have a washing machine, wash their clothes, take them out and then hang them from cords with these pin things suspended floors up above your head as you walk the streets.  People still use CLOTHESLINES!! (I joke.)  Dryers are a true luxury around here.  I love underwear and bra day- I think I would walk the hills more if I were displaying my underwear for everyone to see too- got to keep myself out of having to wear granny panties!! All of my kidding aside- laundry is done based on weather around here.  I currently am drying sheets for the second day in a row- because I don’t have the weather thing down and it frosted a bit last night!!  The clothes smell amazing when they come in off the line but they can take days to dry.  I’ve come to appreciate placing clothes on the line here- my backdrop is Cortona up on the hill.  It makes dropping the clean clothes on the gravel- EVERY SINGLE TIME- worth every granule that ends up down my shirt when I put them on. 

Elderly woman here are hanging their clothes on the line the exact way I'm describing- only way more efficiently.  I'm embarrassed  by them in high heels, with awesome calves, basically running up the streets as if they were nothing to get groceries, and carrying them back down to prepare an epic meal by most peoples standards.  (Mind you, they are schooling me in my flat boots, huffing my way up.)  They aren't sitting around saying they are old.  They're working- HARD!!  Men of all ages are up and moving, sweeping off store front stoops, tending land and doing chores, chores, chores.  One gentlemen- always in a red sweater, has been at his produce shop every single time I've gone to the city- EARLY morning and late evening... working... working... working.  He's always smiling! They are all cleaning their stoves (or other such heating elements) so that they can sleep without frost on their noses, hanging their clothes on the line- giving new meaning to laundry day (it’s like a week- then you start again), every aspect of their lives is necessary and hard work but it's also a complete labor of love.  All of these things are part of who they are what they do.  Their simple lives are complex by the standards I live by at home because my 'work' doesn't tend to be laborious like theirs.  Families help each other out, and many times live together, allowing every person to help with these labors.  Roles tend to be traditional, which for the rest of the world may seem archaic but as a grateful voyeur into their word, I see beauty and romance blossom out of the HARD work and strength of all that dwell here.

Essentially Tuscan Sei

One can’t be in Tuscany and not be overwhelmed with the all-consuming beauty.   I have been taken, as I have said, by the simple kindness of the people that have been abundantly generous to me and mine.  I would be remiss without acknowledging, however, how the actual landscape and architecture stirs up much emotion inside of me-the history that it represents certainly is part of it- but I think there is more to it.

On a recent tour with our friend Starr, from travelstotuscany.com, we were walking up to the top of Cortona.  Starr was brilliantly speaking- while we were struggling with every step to make it to the top.  (The struggle is real- these people must not ever have to work out because those hills will kill you- and I LOVE IT.)   As I looked around and looked back at Starr I was immediately envious of the fact that she lived in this beautiful Etruscan town.  Daily, she and her family, are surrounded by the kind of beauty and history that cannot be captured, only experienced- and they are LIVING IT!  

We were standing in front of a church named Church of San Niccolo, which was built in the 15th century.  We were unable to go in but a fresco by Luca Signorelli’s is in this church.   He was a great Renaissance artist who was born in Cortona.  The Diocese Museum here has many of his works.  We also visited the Duomo in Orvieto with a brilliant painting that should be a must see for anyone visiting Tuscany. I found myself imagining the days that he painted.  I longed to know what his conditions would have been like.  I was in awe of the fact that he walked those same hills and saw many if not most of the same sights that my eyes were having the privilege of focusing on right that very moment.  I was grateful and humbled to be afforded such brilliant experiences that would forever be stamped on our hearts.

As we walked on we exited the walls through one of the famous archways- a gateway to the city- I again was astounded by the solid structure itself (perplexed and astonished by the enormity being as the builders were not afforded modern conveniences) as well as ideas dancing through my head about how it would have been to enter these very gates in Medieval days.  The stories were running rampant.

During our amazing walk by the famous Bramasole from Under the Tuscan Sun- I would gaze out at the stunning valley below and yearn to know the history that was.   I’m not just talking about the stuff that makes the history books (Starr rocked that) I’m also talking about ordinary families.  Every place my eyes gaze I look at the doors and wondered: who crossed that threshold.  What decisions were made in those walls?  What meals have been prepared?  Who has born?  Who passed?  There are years and years of undeniable history within these walls and beyond that are begging us to learn their story.   My heart skips a beat and I feel the excitement boiling over. Every time I walk into the walls I get excited for the beauty that is encapsulated there- each time finding something new to tickle my curiosity.   This is a place that exudes art, music, culture, peace and family. 

On December 8- we we were privileged to experience the Tree Lighting Ceremony.  The SIMPLE pomp and circumstance surrounding it were magical- but not as captivating as stealing glances at the families experiencing this tradition together.  Generations of family members were pushing strollers up these steep hills to come and witness this simply beautiful tree be lighted.  If there could have been a bubble placed over Piazza della Repubblica it would have been bursting with love and peace.

Although a bit surreal, the utter sweetness was so appreciated. The tradition and symbolism of this sweet time were apparent.  Clearly, families attended these special events as one.

…. And then it hit me…. I know why this place has a piece of my heart.  I know why I yearn to keep driving up there for a stroll or to go say a prayer.  I’m piecing together why this place still looks the way it did back then.  I’m understanding why I want to enter every door and ask them their story.  I’m realizing why I find myself staring at the locals having a meal.  It’s about family.   These families make the landscape and the architecture more beautiful because their energy and their souls are flowing through these inner walls like water (or good wine hee hee).  They preserve what they have because they find value in its history.  They seem to be content with their own and they aren’t searching the world for anything because they have it right here at home-their family and the tradition that that unit carries with it.   Whether it is the Cortonese’s that have been here for generation after generation or the Ex-Pat community that truly have created their own BEAUTIFUL family….each of them is content and peaceful in their life because they have what matters most- each other. 

Essentially Tuscan Cinque

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.  The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.  Nelson Mandela

We have had the privilege of meeting several people in the last few weeks.  We've asked questions and heard their stories.  We've shared meals, drinks, laughs and time.  Each person, whether singularly or with a family has had their own journey.  They have taken risks and followed their hearts.  They have jumped off the proverbial cliff.  They have exhibited COURAGE.  

From where I sit tonight- a few weeks ago- I wasn't sure I could make it up the hill to Cortona with the kids alone- but I did and I'm so grateful.  Had I let my legitimate fear paralyze me I wouldn't have experienced precious moments or long lunches, breathtaking churches, views that bring tears to your eyes and time spent with three of the most beautiful people I know.

If I can take a step back for a moment (because it would have been easy to let my fear infiltrate me), if you read Letter To Me post you would know that this last year (or so) has pulled, pushed, tugged and hopefully refined us in ways that I wasn't sure we would make it through (that is not attention getting behavior- REALITY) BUT we did...and we will.   So, deciding to come here was not only an exciting gift (in most ways) it was also like I was adding salt to my wounds that were just scabbing up- because once again I was heading for the uncomfortable place that I have been trying SOOOOO hard to get out of: The UNKOWN.  

After arriving in the land of romance and beauty- I was not sure that I, personally, could be who I needed to be for my kids- a mom (kind of important don't you think).  I was so concerned with being lonely (for my guy) and possibly wanting my own mom (serious baby) or family to help me feel comfortable- that I was struggling to let them know that we were in for an amazing adventure.  (SERIOUSLY?  These are the moments I have a REALLY hard time with myself.)  

....And then the blessings were so abundant. I remembered that I alone don't have the tools or capacity to do this by myself.... it would be provided. We have been gifted with friendship beyond what I ever imagined from old friends, new friends and of course family that has comforted me to help me be 'mom' so that my kids can experience beautiful people, fairy tale landscape and have memories and relationships that will forever be their own.    

A few examples of this very thing are our timely invites from our new friends-they have invited our family on dinner dates and play times that have made us feel so welcomed.  Our friends parents-he has called to see if we are ok, come to check in, and taken our boys up to experience great things-invaluable.  The other day (the day Jon left) when I was seriously ugly crying all over the place- the gate buzzed.  I, at that moment (thinking it was a delivery man) was like I can't go talk to anyone in Italian (especially since all I can say is CIAO-pathetic) right now (seriously not a good moment for me).  In the car outside the gate, however, was a friend.  His parents live in the neighborhood, he just wanted to say HI to the kids and I!!!  At that very moment I KNEW that we were being provided for and that this path was prepared for us.  Who was I to second guess?  Did I mention the amazing food?  UHM this food is a huge blessing and amazing comfort... because uh well it's great food.

I took some time, encouraged by others, and realized that my fear and loneliness fails in comparison to OUR experiences and the people we are having the privilege to get to know.  Tuscany seductively tantalizes all of your senses but the real gift is in the people that have captured our hearts.  Our path has been prepared.  When this journey takes us back to our home I pray that the courage that it took to say yes will have provided the seeds that will bare the fruit of relationships for a lifetime to come!  

Essentially Tuscan Quattro

Home is where love resides, memories are created.  Friends always belong, and laughter never ends.  Author Unknown

No matter how much beauty we are surrounded by on a daily basis or how much awaits on the next hilltop there is always a pang of longing that is beckoning us home- not to the building that houses our beds, but to the people (and fury babies) that hold our hearts.  On a day or season that reminds us of our many blessings in life- I'm certainly grateful for the love that we have awaiting us when our journey brings us back home but I'm equally as grateful for the welcoming hearts and extensive kindness that we are surrounded by here in beautiful Tuscany.

We are forever beholden to our friend Pamela.  This amazing journey only came to fruition because of her.  We met Pamela awhile back, during a cooking experience at her home, Poggio Etrusco.   Looking back, when we were driving to our cooking class, we had no idea what to expect and didn’t realize that this beautiful woman and her husband Johnny would be a part of our lives in the future.  Something about that day and about this journey has made me appreciate and embrace the fact that on any day and at any time someone unexpected can walk in and place a stamp on your life in a marvelous way (and hopefully you on theirs).  One of the deepest impressions Tuscany has made on me thus far is that we keep getting stamped by the most dynamic and loving people.  Keep your heart open and say 'yes' to challenges because you never know how those choices will have an impact on the future you.

When we accepted our invitation to come housesit Pamela invited our family to Thanksgiving.  I was honored, excited, and nervous (because how was I going to cook for her amazingness- THANK GOODNESS FOR JON).  More than any of those feelings, however, I felt that cozy feeling like we belonged somewhere in this beautiful boot of a country.  Poggio Etrusco is that cozy, come home, feel comfy, get real, kind of a place.  Pamela and Johnny belong in Italy-their home is like your favorite blanket. Her artisan cooking is bellissimo (there really is not a word that can capture how silly awesome it is)!!  His capucinno’s and hot cocao are worthy of having them transported to the states (no joke)!!!

We arrived at Poggio Etrusco with excitement and truthfully a little a sadness not to be with our own family for this holiday. We all have traditions and you realize when you aren't a part of them how very much they are a part of you.   As you approach their home, however,  you are struck by the beauty that surrounds you.  Rolling hills, olive trees, and a quintessential Tuscan landscape.  You enter the gate to go into their home and immediately the warmth of their place envelopes you.   We were greeted with love and compassion (everyone there was missing someone in their family).  With each new person we met we heard a new story, new excitement, new passion, and found a new connection in life.  My children witnessed people coming together and celebrating in such a familial way even though many of us met moments before.  I'm struck by the beauty in each connection we create and feel.  We felt welcome and in love with everything about this place, again!

They created a meal that was full of tradition and home. Our children were welcomed and loved on in a way that warmed our hearts and touched our souls.  As parents, we pray that this journey was the best choice for our kids.  That our desire to give them opportunities is based on their best needs and not our own (I know many of you have wondered the same thing).  I watched our children converse and connect with new friends (their elders) in ways that I'm quite certain that these imprints will forever be a part of who they are and how they dream.  Poggio Etrusco, Pamela and Johnny, and all of the wonderful people that we were so blessed to have met provided our family a slice of home through their love, laughter and sense of belonging that is innately in who they are and what Tuscany embraces.

You can learn more about Pamela's amazing cooking experiences and discovering Italy excursions by visiting Poggio Etrusco's website.  You can also check our her fabulous cookbooks on Amazon!

Essentialy Tuscan Tre

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.  Being here in the Tuscan countryside I see beauty with every single turn of my head.  When I was alone, however, I was reminded that no matter how beautiful your landscape is, your food is, your wine is, your life is…. it’s really only as good as the people that you are surrounded by.   When our friends left, even though I knew it was what I came here to do, it was so sad to see them go and I was so lonely for my new people.  I felt like I was in a dark alley alone.  When my husband stepped off of the train to come join us for the holiday it was more beautiful than any truffle or hillside could ever be.  It was pure joy.  My heart swelled with emotion and I literally felt the tension in my shoulders relax (no oils or wine can replace his hand in mine). I have never experienced, however, a more generous and loving people and their familiarity is providing comfort and warmth that I hope I get to experience forever more!

I’ve been reminded of imprints while I’ve been here.  Again, when our people left they left knowing that their people would be here for us. (This is how they live.) Coming from the states, but not knocking on them, I’m not sure that I’m that person at home- how sad!!  These people have welcomed us.  We have already been invited to dinners, wine, play dates (they don’t really do those here- but they played soccer in the piazza, shot nurf guns running down the walled streets and went to their new friends home), Thanksgiving with our friends and a German night in December.  I can’t think of another place that is as welcoming and loving as this.  I am going to make it my mission to be dedicated to being more like the people that are giving us a temporary home here!! 

Everywhere you look people are together… they don’t seem as busy as we seem to be.  They are relational.  They aren’t checking their phones at dinner or huffing in the grocery line because it takes a bit.  They are in the moment and the moment is perfect.

Christmas Markets are a great way to experience life and family in Tuscany.  We experienced families and friends (again lines always blurred and I LOVE IT) enjoying each other, laughing kissing, talking, dining.  Being together is enough and everyone is out being!!  I love that people explore and experience in ways that are deep and precious.

Montepulciano- Christmas Market

Montepulciano is a another walled city about 40 minutes away from Cortona.  The city itself is magnificently beautiful for sure- and the drive is something out of a picture.  I kid you not, everywhere you look feels like you’re looking at a Tuscan Print.   The rolling hills, that are hugging the grape vines and shimmering olive trees alike, are breathtaking.  It feels like your mind is reading to you the most romantic story.  I’m enamored.

On the day we arrived in Montepulciano it was the beginning of the Christmas Market.  As you walk towards the piazza lights are simply draped above our heads and old fashioned, wooden, huts are set up throughout .  Here you can purchase Christmas Ornaments, jewelry, fantastic sausage and meats, wine, shoes, Italian wool, and the list goes on….  It’s magical and my family appreciated every moment.  I would be remiss without mentioning the hot chocolate.  If you’ve never had hot chocolate in Europe you’ve never experienced the rich amazing goodness that awaits!!  OH MY HEAVEN IN YOUR MOUTH!!  I feel like we've stepped back in a magical time.  

Family- I heard once or twice- was all about blood- respectfully I will tell you that my family means the world to me (they have all of me).  “FAMILY”, however,  transcends those restrictions and embraces the amazing lives that have imprinted on our lives in ways that go beyond those bounds- these too are family- regardless of blood or not.  I bring this up because this is what I witness here in Tuscany.  If you sit back and watch people approach a piazza- families (immediate, aunts, uncles and elders ) are apparent – so are friends, individuals, singles, widowers.. families here appear to be all encompassing and welcoming.  A few nights ago we experienced the most wonderful dinner with new friends and our families.  We talked, laughed, and shared amazing food.  We just met and the night felt like we had been waiting to see our forever friends- and it couldn't end.  We made plans.  This is what this place does.  It creates family and embraces people which is more beautiful than the Tuscan picture that I'm forever captivated with does.  The picture itself leaves you wondering- but the life here leaves you knowing that the beauty is within each of us- and the imprint is deep-it is a forever thing.

Essentially Tuscan Due

Settling into Italian life has been like coming home to a cozy fire and like a faucet of emotions just put a part of that fire out.  What most people think about Tuscany is absolutely true and then some.  I promise you I’m in love with it here.   We are surrounded by beauty, history, loud warm people that you feel like you’ve known forever, cappuccino that’s served in real cups, food that makes you care less about gaining weight (maybe that’s just me) and wine that is flowing.  Who wouldn’t want that?  I FOR SURE DO!!  AND THESE PEOPLE LIVE IT EVERY DAY.  Our difficulty has not been with ANY of these things- and to be honest the kids seem fine (other than being on awful sleep schedules).  My onset of tears has come from not being with the MY own human/s (my guy and family-apparently I’m attached- who knew).  The great news is that I am being a big girl (WHEW) and I’m feeling excited (may have something to do with my guy coming but who cares-it’s working). I am fully aware that without saying YES to this amazing opportunity I wouldn't have made any of these memories (or met some of the finest people) that we've made in the last 7 days and these are irreplaceable.  I also realize that stepping outside of our hectic daily life and taking time to appreciate each other really does make a difference.  

This journey (I should name it) is already changing things and I'm trying to keep my heart open and be fully engaged in every lesson we are meant to learn.  

Taking the time to take it all in.

Community at the Table

On my first night here, as I’ve stated, I was awe struck by the community that I was surrounded by.  I was captivated by the fact that although there was such diversity within the group their bonds were as solid as the wall around this great place.  It has made me think that the dinner table really is a vessel for fellowship, just like Jen Hatmaker said in For the Love, and that we could take lessons from these people in Cortona.  I also decided that although I find myself wishing that I could replay that night again because there is so much more I want to learn…. I need to take this time to create this same fellowship with MINE. 

Before our friends left they took us to a sagra.  A sagra is like a local fair/picnic.  We drove about 20 minutes down the road and pulled up to what looked like a small fair grounds.  Not knowing what to expect I was curious to see what it was that we were doing.  What an experience!!  After parking your car in a field you enter a tent and order your food.  We brought with us a few bottles of local wine.  This particular sagra was focused on the preparation of pappardelle with a wild hare sauce.  If licking the plate clean were an acceptable part of this culture (which it probably is) every last bit would have been in my mouth.  For less that $20  we not only had an amazing meal- the experience was simply fantastic.  I was enamored by the community of people around me.  People of all ages were enjoying each other. They were smiling, kissing, laughing, and communicating over delicious food.  The tables were long and all were welcome.  Clearly, they recognize the value in being part of a tribe, but their tribes have open arms.

Over the last two days I have taken a few brave steps in order to break bread with my kids and converse over some amazing food.  It's the first time that the 4 of us have been alone (let alone in a foreign country) and I want to create memories for them for their futures.  I don’t want my kids to see a mom that didn’t take risks so I drove (INSERT HUGE WIDE EYES) up to Cortona once during the day and then again at night.  There are no rules here. You'll find barely any middle lines- and those seem like a suggestion.  Same as speed limits.  Cars commonly want to smell each others behinds or something because they get so close you can't see headlights but you can see a bat in the cave- SERIOUSLY!!  All this being said I put my armor on and my precious cargo in the car and we did it!  SUCCESS (this sounds so pathetic- but I feared for their lives). Now that I'm such an expert (I've done it twice-ha) I think driving in Chicago was like putting on my training wheels and now I'm ready to take them off- here's to no road rash!

Click to see the amazing food.  Including Tratufi (truffles) on pizza and pasta, spinach stuffed ravioli and some liquid relaxation- uhm hello goodness.

Our communities begin with our own but our arms should be as open as the people I've had the pleasure to experience.  We've been invited to several things by people that JUST met us and we've been checked in on by some of the loveliest people you'd ever want to meet.  These people know how to love and are so abundantly obvious about it.  Taking the time to sit and have big meals with my kids has created opportunities for long discussions about this very thing.  Closing my eyes while cars fly down the hill and cross the imaginary line coming at me is so worth the memories we are making and lessons we are learning- and that wouldn't have happened if we didn't say YES. I want these kids to notice that a table should be appreciated for the bridge it creates.  What the Tuscan people know is that around a table the differences we come to it with blur, and deep relationships ARE formed when you take THE TIME to sit down and really break the bread and SEE all the people around it.   

Essentially Tuscan Uno

If someone offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes and then learn how to do it later. Richard Branson

My current situation is that I'm sitting in a beautiful tuscan home just below the breathtaking Medieval Etruscan Town of Cortona, Italy.  We're surrounded by the quintessential cypress that are perfectly dotting the landscape like a mesmerizing picture.  We have already experienced the life, culture and reality in the short time we have been here and I'm certain this experience will imprint deeply on these children.  

piazza del Repubbilica

This amazing opportunity did not come without trepidation and deep consideration for both my immediate family, our families at large, our fury babies and of course ourselves as a couple. Ultimately we decided that this journey could not be passed up for any of us and so we decided to spread our wings and take a leap of complete faith. THE MISSION:  For the next 6 weeks our job is to housesit for our new friends (our connection was immediate and feels for all of us like it was always meant to be).  We will be taking care of 2 dogs, a cat and a beautiful tuscan farm home. It's like THE HOLIDAY- but different. I will attempt to drive and park (SAFELY). (Have you ever driven in ITALY? SHNIKES!!   I'm pretty sure I need to invest in lots of deodorant.)

Everything above may have sounded absolutely amazing and a bit scary to many of you!! Uhm yeah except take “a bit scary” and put a rocket on it!  For some reason though no matter how scary it has been or will be ‘the amazing’ is trumping it.  Before I get into the fun stuff (the pictures and experiences) let’s talk logistics.  I didn’t just arrive in paradise.  In fact when I left with the three kids and luggage I knew that I had to change planes in one country and then in another find a bus to a train station- get train tickets and then board a train with everyone in tow for 1 ½ hours to our final destination.  Terrified would be my word of choice at this point- but I kept praying and everything worked out as seamless as it could have. 

When we arrived at the train station we were greeted with a huge smile and warm hug and many of my fears melted away (thank goodness because with the amount of pasta I’ve already consumed something had to melt away.)  Although we were exhausted and ready for a nap we couldn’t wait to see our new home away from home. The car turned down the tree-lined drive and my nerves for that moment were replaced with pure excitement.  We were immediately greeted by our new, slobbery, fury friends.  This helped to create that connection to our own home and land- and despite the opportunity to be on a new journey there will never be anything like home- so this was comforting.

Our home here is lovely.  During the day the doors are open to the warm sun, chirping birds, happy pups, beautiful landscape and the mystic walled city as a backdrop.  During the evening the air is crisp and the sky is dark but the deep red is smooth and the food is pure comfort and joy.  Did I mention the Olive Oil?  Yeah we need to talk a lot about Olive Oil- for ultimately that is what has brought us here- but I’ll get into that in a little bit. Little things like the brick archways, smaller appliances, tiny showers and ceramic floors are appreciated for their differences to our own country.  Clothes hanging on the line and elderly people working in their yards and gardens are commonplace and truthfully mesmerizing.  The differences in culture don’t negate the similarities in all people- to feel loved and connected- and this place is full of that.  Let’s talk about my first night. 

Click to see all photos.

The Wine Dinner- Night UNO

The Molesini Wine Shop in Cortona is fabulous.  Their wine and knowledge are a true treat.  We discovered them seven years ago- my guy was more than impressed-so I was excited when I found out that I would be attending the last wine dinner of the year.  For 26 weeks on Thursday nights, the wine shop pairs with Del Brenna Jewelry Store- my favorite jewelry and shoes on earth- and local restaurants for a night of fabulous wine, amazing food and beautiful friendships-both old and new. 

We arrived at the outer wall and parked (here you sort of just land your car wherever- double parking is a real thing).  We began our uphill walk to the piazza della Repubblica where the wine shop is located.  As you walk your mind is reminded of history and beauty and the desire to be told the story of the place is consuming……but the wine and people await.

In the piazza Molesini has a table set up with a flight of wine for our tasting pleasure. I was immediately struck by the community these people had.  I didn’t know their stories- at the time-but everyone was smiling, kissing cheeks, and conversing as one big family.  It was beautiful. 

After the tasting was completed we all made our way to La Logetta  which is located in a 13th century building with a beautiful medieval loggia overlooking piazza della Repubblica.  The atmosphere and ambiance are captivating. 

The meal was to die for and a definite must do for Cortona but as I sat back and took in what was going on around me I was in awe of the deepness of friendship and love that was surrounding me.  I was at a table of Ex-Pats and locals alike.  Most had moved here at some point, one couple was just visiting, and there was me.  This community was breaking bread and sharing wine in a more joyful manner than I've seen in years.   There were personalities throughout- and some of it- I'm not going to lie- reminded me much of Under the Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayes because there was an authenticity to be you and you would be loved. She obviously felt something that was real when coming here, because I caught the same vibe the other night.  These people were beautiful and different than what I experience back at home and I loved it!!!

Acceptance and love are prevalent.  T (that's my name for her) and K are amazing.  She has shown us love and been patient to no end.  I truly think some people are meant to meet and I really think that we were supposed to.  I also think that the next several weeks are taking all of us away from our homes and loved ones and that's not without its challenges.  We all have lessons to learn and people to meet.  The memories we will make will be spoken about for years to come-for that I'm already grateful.  If what I learned on the first night holds true- say yes and learn how to do it later because in life the more people you meet the richer you are........tuscany is a lesson in that.

Corrie

I am no Oprah-well we both diet a lot- but, like her, I have a lot of favorite things. With Christmas around the corner I want to occasionally feature some gifts that are heartfelt and meaningful.  Can you humor me with that?  

Many times my favorite things correlate with my favorite people.  In my house Corrie, from CWDRAWINGS has one name- I don't believe my kids even know her last name because her first name is more than enough.  She came into our lives in a time of desperate need on my part.  Three kids under the age of 5- she came to save this crazy mom!  She did more than that.  For years she blessed my family with her very presence- she was originally here to let my guy and I have date nights- but she became one of my dearest friends.  Her artwork is an extension of her soul- beautiful, eclectic, passionate, kind, clean and it tells a story. Like her, she is always grounded in the word, and with the word in her heart she touches lives just by being.  

CWDRAWINGS has fun prints, custom work, new stationary, cards and BRAND NEW 2016 Calendars!  I'm obsessed with her work.  

Corrie is launching 2 new calendars for 2016!!  How fun are they?

Let's chat with Corrie and find out about her work and who she is!

You describe your work as “tongue in cheek”. Can you tell me more about that? In my work, I seek to be as authentic as possible to who I am as a person. I have a deep appreciation for craftsmanship and pay attention to fine details, while at the same time have a light-hearted side that appreciates a sly remark and a quick wit. My work truly embodies so much of who I am!

You’ve said that you like your work to be understated. Why is that important to you? Yes, it is important to me! I am crazy about negative space and am drawn to simplicity. My work is for those who take the time to inspect. To study. To appreciate. When I draw I never want to overdo it; I don’t want there to be any distractions from the main subject and want that singular focus to make a powerful impact.

-What's your process? When doing a portrait what do you consider before beginning? I’m considering the pose of the animal. The mood. The personality. I’m looking at the shadows and shapes on the face and how those will translate to a drawing.

-How do you try to stay creatively inspired? Do you have any rituals? Such a good question because it definitely takes intentionality to stay inspired! For me, it’s connecting and sharing ideas with my closest of friends. It’s enjoying a long bike ride through the country. It’s having a purposefully slow morning of coffee and conversation with my sweet sister. For me, my spirit is most fueled and rejuvenated (both creatively and otherwise) when I am intentional about taking in the joys of everyday life. 

For more information and to order some amazing gifts or to treat yourself (as I have done) check out CWDRAWINGS.COM.  These are gifts everyone will treasure!!

Connected

All of us NEED to feel conncected.  We want to be part of a tribe.  Need to feel like we belong.  It usually starts with family and then trickles through every aspect of our lives.  Some people are gifted at connecting and staying connected.  For others, they desperately try to hold on to anyone they can, on any level possible, because they desperately crave that connection like oxygen.  There is nothing like sitting next to your person laughing, chatting, crying and connecting.  

We have so many tools now a days to keep us connected to everyone!!  Facebook, cellphones, Instagram, Snapchat- you name it and everyone is a click away.  Why do some people feel so lost and isolated then?  Social media is NOT all bad.  There is greatness in it.  If used for good- it can change the world. Same holds true of the opposite.  I do think that relying on Social Media for personal connection, which many of us have been guilty of, can leave you feeling alone and isolated!

After talking with a friend this week I started thinking about how no matter where we are in life we all just want to belong SOMEWHERE.  We want a tribe that tells us that we are ok. A familiar face that smiles and affirms that we are in the right spot.  A REAL live person that reaches out and touches your hand to show you that you matter.  For many those personal connections can be fostered in places like church, sports, work or hobbies, but for some no matter where they go they feel lost and afraid.  I want to make a difference in the lives of those people.  

I can't stop thinking about this because I'm getting ready to embark on a serious journey of sorts.  I'm going to a place that the only familiar faces will be my small tribe and I'm pretty ok with it.  Digging deep within I realized that it doesn't matter the size of your tribe- it's that you have one.  For me, there isn't comfort in numbers, there's warmth in deep, raw, unfiltered connection.  The kind of connection that the person next to me can tell me that my muffin top really needs some work (unless you are my mom or sister.)  I kid, what I need and what everyone else needs can't be too dissimilar.  We all need TRUST in order to connect in a healthy way.

What I've found  in my very unprofessional search is that for most people who struggle with connection is that they lack trust in one person-themselves.  These are the people that wrestle with their internal struggles and can't seem to forgive themselves.  They fail to see the beauty and greatness they were created to be.  They don't know how they like their eggs- because they are always trying to be what someone else wants them to be.  They try to forge relationships by drawing attention to themselves through sympathy or by pretending to be something they are not. (They may have never taken the time to get to know themselves.)  If they only knew that if they were themselves, an absolutely imperfect perfect version of themselves (as we all are)-the people that truly loved them would relate to them in deeper ways than the surface settlers.  

Life is about love and relationships.  It doesn't matter what shoes you wear or how many times you've redecorated your house.  Those things are temporary fillers.  Life is about deep connection and loving people- no matter where they are at.  Community looks differently to all people.  It can be a table of 2 or two hundred.  It doesn't really matter as long as the hearts involved are filled with trust and belonging.

A Letter To Me

Due to some unforeseen, unfortunate circumstances we have experienced one of the toughest seasons of our life.  I have been thinking about how although the last few years have been years I wish never happened- I’ve learned lessons and experienced PEOPLE in ways I may never have.  I will be eternally grateful for my hubby and kids and our families and great friends that have loved on us through it.  Although their love and compassion mean the world to us at the end of the day we had to dig deeper and work harder.  I learned more about me during this time than I ever imagined and I have found passion.  Many of us have seen times that we wished we never experienced.  Times that we wish would go away.  Standing somewhere close (I HOPE) to the end of my time I still wish I could have told myself all the goodness that would come out of this time a few years ago…..

Dear EB-

I know you’re frightened and afraid.  I know that the waters that you are wading through right now are murky and unfamiliar.  I don’t want you to worry.  I know that it is so hard in this moment to see light. Things are going to be hard- for this I’m sure-but during the next few years you are also going to see brightness.  The problem is that the brightness is going to come outside of your comfort zone- so you may not recognize it-be aware!  You are going to experience different joy- things that you never thought would give you joy will make your toes tingle. You will have clarity in things you never imagined and never thought yourself capable.

Life can throw you curve balls.  Nobody wants a curve ball.   This is not something you asked for- this is something you deal with.  This is where your adult pants get put on one leg at a time and you just do it- you don’t give up.  Your skills, your experiences, your passion and your faith will see you through- and you will hit that darn ball out of the park.  Occasionally you have to close your eyes and let your instincts take over.  You will learn things that had you not gone through this you may never have learned.   Here are some key things I want you to know:

Have Faith:  Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."  You can’t just say it- believe it.  All of your fears lack faith and it is in your faith you will forever find solace and comfort.  HOLD TIGHT- because HE is holding you closer than ever. KNOW that you are going to be ok.  He will never leave you. Those Oils that you were just introduced to- yeah they are awesome but they will change your life in ways you never dreamed-just wait.

LIVE:  Even when you feel like things are falling apart…LIVE.  You are going to be ok. Remember don’t let the darkness and the hard times pull you into an abyss.  You must look for the light and LIVE.  There is so much love and joy around you.  LIVING LIFE IN DARKNESS GIVES YOU DEEPER EXPERIENCES THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE.  Life is really SEEN in the simple things. Coming into this season you may have forgotten to fully see this.  You lost yourself in the chaos of life but as you are trudging through it you will be aware of things you’ve missed….You won’t ever forget those again.  HAVE FUN.  Fun is not just reserved for perfect live’s- don’t forget those don’t exist.  Just have FUN- even if you aren’t totally feeling it because life is short and this too shall pass.

HOPE:  You’ve always been optimistic, and you’ve always seen life with rose colored glasses, but now you feel tainted and maybe a bit cynical and that’s really not you.  Curve balls don’t need to produce cynicism and sadness- they are opportunities to find greatness.  Who you are is not based on how you behave in times of abundance and joy- who you really are is how you behave in the deepest trenches in your life.  You are greater than this trench.  KNOW THAT THERE IS SO MUCH OUTSIDE OF THIS TRENCH….GO FOR IT.

YOU:  When things get tough the tough get going….you got this girly.  Don’t let things in life roll you over.  BE YOU and OWN IT.  Take this opportunity to build something of your own.  Contribute to your family by making things happen.  You are going to find your passion- you already have and just don’t recognize it yet.  You are going to own it and you are going to LOVE every minute of helping those around you.  YOU are bigger than your circumstances and you were born for greatness… I have seen what you are going to do with that and I’m actually proud of you.

These times will give you abundant gifts… Seeing the sun through the clouds is tough- and you really have to look for it but I promise you your heart will be warmer to those around you and your worries will be less because you know that all the worry in the world doesn’t change things.  You’ve are experiencing fear and anxiety- don’t worry they won’t kill you- you really will be stronger.  So now, clear your path and blaze ahead.  Be prepared for bumps- just know, that you will come through this with a grateful heart! At the end of the day the curve ball is NOT going to strike you out this time- you are going to hit a grand slam!

LOVE,

The Stronger, More Loving, More Compassionate, More Determined,  More Faithful, More Empathetic, More Greatfull YOU.